How An Unplanned Pregnancy Changed The Way I Want To Talk To My Kids About Sex

By TARA PRINGLE JEFFERSON

I quickly took the pregnancy test out of the bag and fumbled with the instructions: Pee on the stick, wait three minutes, discover if your whole world is about to change. I didn’t even have time to put the test down on the counter before “PREGNANT” appeared on the little digital screen. Oh, sh**.

That was five years ago. I had just turned 20, was smack in the middle of my junior year of college, and was looking forward to a summer internship in New York, the first step on my road to world domination. This was not the time for a baby.

Instead of feeling elated about the news, I was burdened by how I thought others would react and my own personal shortcomings. I wore extra large shirts on campus for the rest of the semester and didn’t speak a word of the pregnancy to anyone except those who absolutely needed to know. During that period of my life, I probably averaged at least three full-blown crying fits a week. On the bus. In my dorm room. In the car on the way to the doctor’s office.

Of course now, as the mom of two (my son was born two years later), I feel like my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. But it took me a long time (and a lot of tears) to get here.

As a young mom, I’m fully aware of the challenges of becoming a parent before you’re ready. This is not for the weak. In essence, it’s an endless game of catch-up. Rushing to find a pediatrician. Rushing to save money. Rushing to get a spot in an affordable daycare center. Rushing, rushing, rushing. And I don’t want that for my kids.

When they decide to bring a life into the world, I want them to be bursting with joy. To be confident that they have the skills they need to be an amazing mom or dad. And to know that if they do need anything, their Mom is only one phone call away.

But in order to do this, they need to know they can come to me, or their father, with their questions and concerns. And I admit, this stumps me: How can I be an “askable” parent? How can I begin to build that line of communication now, so my kids always look at me as their ally, rather than the warden?                  

My kids are ages four and three now, and while they are a bit young for the entire sex talk, we’re getting there in age-appropriate doses. From the beginning, I taught them the proper names for their genitals. (And of course my son enjoys screaming, “Penis!” whenever we’re in a crowded space. Fun times.) We’ve talked about boundaries and how no one is allowed to touch them, and if someone does, they will face the wrath of Mommy and Daddy. They’ve got it.

As they grow, the conversation will expand, and it’s my prayer that they’ll be doing a lot of the talking. If their little personalities are any indication, I’d better prepare myself for the onslaught of questions now. I’ve given it some thought and come up with four lessons about sex and love that I hope they take to heart:

1. “I’m not being hypocritical when I insist that you wait until marriage to have sex. I’m hoping you can learn from my mistakes.” I learned a lot of things the hard way, and I suspect that’s a huge part of growing up and exploring. But when those actions (i.e., unprotected sex) can have long-lasting consequences, it’s my job as their Mom to help them navigate this minefield.
2. “If you are going to date someone, you need to make sure they respect you 100%.” This is where I feel a lot of parents fall short. We might set rules about when it is okay for our teens to date, but are we teaching them what comes next? Are we helping them discover what a good boyfriend or girlfriend even looks like? Heck, most adults don’t even know what a good catch looks like or how to hold on to one, so leaving our kids alone to stumble through these adolescent relationships is reckless endangerment.
3. “I’ve made my share of bad decisions. Ask me about ‘em. You should know your mother isn’t perfect, but I’m honest.” Some parents choose to hide their shortcomings from their children, figuring it’s easier to lay down the law if they don’t have to explain about all the times they disobeyed it themselves. I, of course, can’t pretend to be little Ms. Virginal (my daughter was present at my wedding), but it doesn’t mean that I can’t want more for my kids. Letting them know that Mom struggled too is my way of opening the gates to conversations that might be a little uncomfortable—for the both of us.
4. “Choosing a great parent for your children is one of the most important things you will ever do for them. Don’t date anyone you wouldn’t want to marry or have kids with.” This might be a little too black and white for some people, but I firmly stand by this. I don’t knock women who go on dates purely for fun, or because the guy was cute, but I do throw major shade their way when they continually ignore the red flags that should send them running in the other direction. Love is sticky, sure, but knowing when to cut your losses early is a skill too many in this generation lack.

I know I will really be tested as the years go by and the questions stop being rhetorical. I know there will be times when I think to myself, What on God’s green earth would possess you to ask me that? There will be times when I don’t have the answers and I don’t want to hear the questions.

But I’m dedicated to making sure that I am there for them, every step of the way, so when they do get out on their own, and they’re grasping that pregnancy test, there’ll be no room for any emotion except pure joy.

Tara Pringle Jefferson is an author, blogger, and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember. 

This post is part of Planned Parenthood’s Let’s Talk campaign, a month-long online conversation designed to help and encourage parents to talk to their kids about sex and relationships. Stay tuned for more insightful Let’s Talk content here on MyBrownBaby and on some of your favorite sites around the web.

Also, check out these incredible resources:

• {Let’s Talk About Sex} The Best Ways For Parents To Get Ready For “The Talk”
• Families Talking Together (FTT), a family-based program designed to support effective parent-adolescent communication among African-American and Latino families. FTT is available in both English and Spanish.
• Tools For Parents, a comprehensive collection of information aimed at helping parents talk to their kids about sex.
• The October issue of Essence magazine, which features an eye-opening feature about what black tweens and teens really know about sex—and what they’re doing when we’re not watching. This is a must-read.