I was going to talk about motherhood, my plans for it, and what it’s like for me.
I was going to tell you how I wasn’t very maternal growing up.
That I wasn’t the girl who babysat during high school.
That I didn’t really do kids.
But that I’ve wanted them for as far back as I can remember.

I was going to tell you how I was going to be like Claire Huxtable and Carol Brady.
How I was going to keep a spotless home, cook three fresh, organic meals a day, and spend all my time making my kids happy.
How I wasn’t going to raise my voice at my kids, we’d be the of best friends, and how I’d always have the right thing to say.

Then I was going to tell you what actually happened when I became a mother.
That the Claire Huxtable/Carol Brady thing never really took off.
That I’m more like Roseanne.
That on any given day, you’ll see a fresh load of laundry sprawled across the sofa.
That sometimes I’m raising my voice, tired as hell, dinner is in the
microwave mommy.
That I spend so much time making everybody happy that I lose myself.

I was going to tell you that being best friends isn’t the goal being respected is.
And that no, I don’t always have the right the thing to say.
I was going to tell you how incessant questions and grocery store tantrums make me want to disappear.
That my maternal gene didn’t immediately kick in when my first child was born and that sometimes I cry ˜cause I don’t think I’m doing this right.
I was going to tell you how I now know just how much I really don’t know and that being a mommy isn’t always cute, baby powdery and sweet.
That being a mommy, a lot of times, for me, is hard.

But last night as I was trying to get into my car to leave Trader Joe’s.
There was a slightly handicapped middle aged man parked next to me.
We had a conversation that went like this…

ME: (trying to get my little one in his card seat, steps to the side)
HIM: That’s okay. You go right ahead.
ME: No, you go. He doesn’t like being strapped in and he’s going to wrestle
me. So it may take a long time.
HIM: Oh, I remember those days.
ME: Then you KNOW what FUN I’m having (I said as I rolled my eyes)
HIM: But it’s so beautiful isn’t it? And it goes so fast.

And then it hit me. I knew this already. But something at that moment just struck me.
I looked over to see my oldest son trying desperately to buckle himself into his car seat;
And my little one climbing to the front of the car.
And I whispered what the man said to myself.

So instead of telling you all that other stuff that I was going to tell you,
I’ll just say this:
I am a mother. I am tremendously blessed to be a mother.
Sometimes it is difficult and I don’t always get it right.
But that’s okay.
Cause really, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
And yes, it is beautiful and fleeting.

About our MyBrownBaby Contributor: Lisa Ellis, a poet, writer, mother, and wife, hails from Newark, New Jersey, but makes a home with her sons, Ryan, 6, and Sean, 2, in Los Angeles. You can read more of her work at her blog, Essays and Things.

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  1. Felicia - I complete Me

    This was beautiful and I comletely agree with you. I never wanted kids, and now I have an 8 month old. I cherish all our moments together and his moments as he discovers the world and what his body can do. I too get tired, frustrated etc, but I’m truely blessed. Great post!

  2. RockerByeBaby

    Hey girlie!
    Im popping over from SITS… I just wanted to say – great blog… everyone was commenting on the new one and im VERY glad I chose this one… I know how you feel. I work from home, half the time im lucky to get to shower. haha I have two toddler boys – 11 months apart ( yes, its possible haha). I know exactly how you feel. But almost EVERY time, just as I am about to rip the hair from my scalp while my head starts spinning… izzaq will run up to me… give me a big squeeze, and say – I Yuv You mama… and its over. All the stress goes away. Someday, he will be 15… asking me to let him walk a mile to school just to not be seen with me… letalone give me kisses and love freely… when that happens, itll kill me… so I just gotta live in the moment… cuz its gunna go way too fast.

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