WANTED: A Wife
by Denene Millner — Sep 8, 2010
Forty-one-year-old woman with husband and three kids seeks consort/right-hand lady/stand-in to cut a sistah some slack/work out some things around the house when she just can’t take it anymore
Must be in love with children even when they cry, whine, ignore parental orders and slap box literally every five seconds for no other reason than that a fellow sibling looked in their general direction. This love runs a full 24-hour cycle; be prepared for middle-of-the-night duty, when you will get smacked in the head at will at all ungodly hours of the night for water/puke/pee/sore tummy/diarrhea duty that could include several 3 a.m. jammie and bed sheet changes, some stomach rubbing, and a lot of cuddling until they’re back off to dreamland, even if you’ve got to be up at 6 a.m. to iron school clothes, pack lunches and book bags, whip up a healthy breakfast and make sure the little funkmasters’ molars, pits and booties are clean enough for public scrutiny
Must be able to use your free time during school days to scrub the house spotless, sort, pre-treat, wash and fold mind-boggling amounts of grass-, poop, and sweat-stained clothes, schedule all appointments with the cable, plumber, HVAC and lawn guys and somehow make it back to the house from the grocery store/dry cleaners/post office/random errand run before or after the stupid four-hour window so as not to lose the appointment you sweated two weeks to get, and be proficient enough in fixing all of that stuff to know when you’re about to be snookered for all your cash by male service providers who think your lack of a penis makes you a complete idiot/ATM.
Ability to (quickly) whip up meals that would make Top Chef’s Tom Colicchio slurp and ask for seconds an absolute essential; if you can’t anticipate the likes, wants, needs, desires, and dietary restrictions of everyone in the house and make said meal healthy enough to pass muster with the Today Show’s Joy Bauer, you’re an epic fail and need not apply. Ditto if you don’t have ESP or the uncanny ability to catalogue in the recess of your brain the whereabouts of every single solitary random thing that belongs to family members, who will be much too busy to put their things away, let alone find it without uttering, “Where is [insert said random stuff here]?”
Should be prepared to balance checkbooks, five-person schedules, and all doctor and dentist appointments and room parent, PTA, church, neighborhood association and community service volunteer assignments with grace and never-let-’em-see-ya-sweat aplomb; driver’s license a must, as you’ll be the one scooting from one corner of town to the other to ensure your young charges make it to soccer/ballet/trumpet/Mandarin practice and countless after school activities, somewhere in between all of that other volunteery stuff you’ll be doing.
Oh, and yeah: Be ready to screw like a porn star. In full Victoria’s Secret fashion show runway-worthy costume. Especially in the middle of the night when you finally make it to the bed and your hot head hits the cool pillow and you’re thisclose to that two-hours-worth of sleep you’ll squeeze in before that middle-of-the-night, “I threw up” slap you’ll be getting.
Base salary: Less than minimum wage. Bonuses come in the form of occasional hugs, kisses and the rare thank you for all that you do declarations (usually negotiable after total emotional breakdowns and threats of bodily harm).
Serious inquiries only, please. Weak, shabby, faint-of-heart women need not apply. Suckers definitely welcomed.
Mom. NY Times bestselling author. Pop culture ninja. Unapologetic lover of shoes, bacon and babies. Nice with the verbs. Founder of the top black parenting website, MyBrownBaby.
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Perfect..especially the porn star part!! Genius, loved it!
All that and I still have to be my usually porn star self???? A woman's job is never done. Love this.
Gon' say it preacher! Chile, you totally left out adding to the family funds.
@Mimi and Angela: LOL! THANK YOU!
@Jewelry Rockstar: Damn–you're right! Whoever this chick is, she better be ready to contribute all kinds of cash for the cause!
I love this post!
Have you read "Every Woman Needs a Wife" by Naleighna Kai? It is a great read.
Best post I've read today. Great job!
This is awesome…although it makes me want to quit my "job" LOL
LOL! I always say I'd be first in the voting booth to pass a law making polygamy legal because marriage and child rearing is not a one-woman show. hee hee.
I wonder if there are any takers for the position?
Haha, I LOVE this!
LOL!! I love it!
I LOVE this post!!!
I love this post! Especially since this week alone I have been up at 2am giving cough medicine and 4am changing sheets from a major nosebleed from Girly…while in my bed. And my bed has white sheets.
Love it! Love it! Love it!
And really, can anyone do our job better than us? Um, nope!
Drop it like it's hot ladies while you cook and wipe noses! Let the church say, "Yaymen!"
Grabbing capes!!! Superman has nothing on a mom.
Okay I read this like 5 minutes ago but I just regained my composure from laughing so hard, to type this message. Great post!
So true so true..Great post