By DENENE MILLNER
Okay, yeah I'm sensitive about weight and body issues, particularly when it comes to my girls. I lay blame squarely at the feet of my childhood best friend's mom. I'll call her Evilene. Because Evilene was evil. Particularly when she stopped everything she was doing to look at my adolescent body with all its curve and thick and awkward and proclaim, Humph you sure are getting fat. The first time she said it, I wanted to die. The second time, I started thinking maybe she was right. Each subsequent time after that, I'd figure out more ways to hate my body and secret it under mounds of sweaters and baggy pants and other stuff that would hide my hips and butt and thick legs from her scrutiny. And I'd tuck myself into the basement of my childhood home and exercise like a lunatic.
The good thing is that I was exercising. The bad thing, of course, is that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons had, at age 13, internalized this grown woman's criticism and processed it in a way that made me hate me for years to come. That I didn't develop an eating disorder is a small miracle.
Now, finally, I love me just the way I am. But I'm a woman and a mother. And like Erykah Badu so poetically put it in her song, Tyrone, I'm sensitive about my shit. And the second someone says something sideways to my girls about their weight or their hair or their skin color or whatever, I go all the way in. Hard. (Nope, I guarantee you not even Sarah Palin can do Mama Bear like I do Mama Bear.)
Which explains the what-the-crap conniption I had when Nick recounted a conversation he'd had with Mari's coach, who, earlier this season, pronounced my 11-year-old needed to get more fit. In front of her. Took me right back to my days standing in Evilene's kitchen, getting the you need to lose some weight, don't you think? talks.
So, I said to Nick, fire in my eyes, hands on my hips, spittle on my lips, after you flattened coach and he got back up off the ground, did he at least apologize to Mari?…
It didn't matter what Nick was saying. I swear, all I could channel was these two grown men towering over my daughter, telling my baby she was slow and fat and lazy. And yeah the rest of that conversation isn't fit for a public parenting site…
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for sharing this story. It reminded me that regardless of age we, all of us, teach each other and that as adults we can sometimes lose sight of the simplicity and directness of a situation because our "accumulated" stuff can get all mixed up in it.
I am sorry that an "Evilene" was part of your life during a time of great and wonderful change. Many of us have had our own "Evilenes" and carry scars that sometimes prevent us from shining as bright as we individually should. As an adult I often find myself disgusted by the way adults, especially adult women, speak to and "school" those who, especially young women,are the next in line to continue the generations. The sadder thing is most don't realize the damage they are doing; they are just continuing to behave in the manner they were taught and unware of how powerful their words and actions are.
In the end we are each responsible for how we express ourselves and how empathic we can and should be to those coming behind us. Your posts and blog are wonderful reminders that support a choice to be aware of our intents and purpose. Thank you.
I loved this post. It was insightful and entertaining. You did have me rollin' at points and you educated me as well. Well done!
Great post. I learned a lot.
I apologize for posting two years late, but thanks so much, Denene! This moved me because I’ve had a few “Evilenes” in my life.
I remember being called fat for the first time when I was ten years old, by a grown woman. The funny part is, I was actually a scrawny little girl…but that started me off on the path of hating my body. I was underweight but people had me believing I was enormous. When I started filling out a bit more, people continued to be vicious in their commentary. I stopped eating because I already had low self-esteem. I felt ugly. I didn’t want to be a “fat girl” too, because then people would be even meaner.
I remember that the comments about my hair mostly came from kids and the ones about my skin color/body type came mostly from adults. This one woman made two very damaging comments to me as a teenager. She told me that my thick legs were “big and ugly”. To this day, I will not wear shorts even when the weather is at its hottest (I live in Florida). She also made some very hurtful comments about my light skin.
I know that perhaps the comments about my skin color stemmed from insecurities of her own, but it was terrible as a young girl, having to deal with grown women being catty because I was lighter and my hair was longer. Clearly they viewed me as some kind of competition which is ridiculous because I was just a kid. I internalized other people’s issues for a long time. I also remember being told that my tummy was fat and my mother needed to put me on a diet.
It really makes me angry, because who says these things to a child?! What is wrong with people? Do they not understand that their words can wreck a person’s self-esteem? Maybe they just don’t care. And most of the people who say these horrible things don’t look like models, so I’m not sure why they are putting others down. Anyway, your daughters are blessed to have a wonderful mother like you.
I love my mom, but she never really defended me when people would call me fat in front of her.