By NICK CHILES
Outrage doesn’t begin to describe my reaction to the “advice” column by Too Short on the website of the hip hop magazine XXL. In the ridiculous video feature, the aging rapper basically advises middle school boys to commit sexual assault to hasten their relationships with their female schoolmates. The most astounding thing about this column, beyond the fact that somebody thought it was a good idea to select the notoriously raunchy rapper to give advice to anybody, was that the editors of XXL actually put it on their website and sent it out into the world.
As the father of a middle school girl (and a second one who is just two years away), I was so enraged and disgusted when I read the text of his XXL video that I wanted to run to their corporate offices and create a huge bonfire of XXL magazines in the lobby. I know if some little boy ever put a hand on my daughter and they found evidence of this video anywhere within sniffing distance of his dumb behind, XXL would need a building full of attorneys to fight all the lawsuits I would send their way.
Before I go any further, let me print for you a portion of the text of this video, which seems to have since been removed from the XXLmag.com site. (The video came to our attention via MadamNoire.com.)
“When you get to late middle school, early high school and you start feeling a certain way about the girls… I’m gonna tell you a couple tricks. This is what you do, man. A lot of the boys are going to be running around trying to get kisses from the girls, we’re going way past that. I’m taking you to the hole.
There’s a general area down there, a little spot that girls have that feels really good to them. Don’t kiss them down there yet, that’s later in life. But this is what you do. You push her up against the wall or pull her up against you while you lean on the wall and you take your finger and put a little spit on it and you stick your finger in her underwear and you rub it on there and watch what happens. It’s like magic. You gotta find her spot, they all have a different one, but it’s somewhere in there. Just go for it. When you feel like it becomes a little more moist that’s when you know you’re doing it right.”
That’s some crazy stuff right there, coming from a grown-ass man who clearly should know better. But this was Too Stupid’s third advice video for boys on the site, so the editors have had plenty of time to think about the wisdom of this endeavor. (In a previous video, he was trying to turn little boys into pimps.) By the way, the feature is called “Fatherly Advice.” There’s no indication that Too Slow is actually a father—but I am, and if I ever said something this outrageous to a little boy, I would grant any person reading this the right to spit in my face. Clearly I am not in the target demo for this particular magazine/website, but as a longtime member of the media I know a little about responsible journalism. This ain’t it. This is about as irresponsible as journalism can get. I know I shouldn’t expect New York Times-level seriousness from XXL, but damn. Teaching little boys to commit rape? Really?
It’s hard enough bringing little boys and girls through the middle school years with a minimum amount of adolescent trauma. I have given up expecting any help on this from popular culture, which feeds our kids a steady diet of sex-obsessed titillation and silliness. But is it too much to ask that one of our longtime publications, which claims to serve our young people, not make our jobs a million times harder by telling little boys to commit rape in the middle school hallways? I don’t think that’s an outrageous request.
As for Too Short—who forever more probably should be known as Too Silly—I’m kinda speechless. Maybe we can get some kind of restraining order to keep him away from the minds of our children? Or maybe somebody at XXL can act like a grown-up and send him back under the rock he slithered out from.