Beyond “I Have A Headache”: 5 Surefire Methods to Get Out of Having Sex

NICOLE BRADSHAW

Ladies, have you ever come home from a killer day at work and had your man standing at the door, waiting for you? I’m not talking about him waiting for you with a four course meal of Kobe beef and black truffles. I’m referring to him waiting for you at the front door wearing nothing but white tube socks and a smile. (Hey, I’m not sexist, the roles could be reversed.)

If you’re married or in a relationship, I guarantee this has been you at one point. Before you throw down your coat, slip off your shoes and grudgingly indulge him in his wildest fantasies, think about doing one of two things; you can tell him the truth and explain how tired you are. After all, don’t men think with their hearts and minds when it comes to getting some? Don’t they think about your feelings all the time, especially when it comes to sex? (Are you laughing too?)

There’s a second option; excuses, excuses and more excuses. If you want to get out of sex for the evening for whatever reason, consider a few methods that will help keep your relationship intact. Here, five surefire methods to get out of having sex:

1. Exaggerate So You Don’t Have to Procreate: So what you had the best day ever? Your boss complimented you about the great job you’re doing and your cheap ass co-worker even bought you lunch. When you come home and see that look in his eye, break out your best workplace horror stories. Dig waaay back and remember one of the worst days you had on the job and relive it all over again. By the time you finish, he will be so sick of hearing your mouth, he’ll head straight to bed…alone.

2. Call In the Calvary: If you walk through that door and he’s waiting, call for help…immediately. The kids that he so neatly tucked away in the back bedroom with the toys will come out to greet mommy once they hear your voice.  Remember, kiddies are the #1 mood buster. (At least in my house anyway!)

3. Armed and Dangerous: Minutes before you left work, he called you with that low, sexy talk. That’s where he messed up. He let you know of his plans before you got home so now you have time to prepare. Before going home, pick up his favorite meal at his favorite restaurant. It’s going to be a hard toss-up between you and the pork ribs, but if you’re lucky, food will win out tonight and you’ll catch a break.

4. Gossip Girl:  If you’ve been pre-warned of his intentions (see phone call above) be prepared. Before walking through the front door, call your girlfriend and get to gossiping. Men can’t stand a woman that’s yapping on the phone talking about nothing. If that doesn’t deter him, tell your girlfriend about the rough day you had and how you want nothing but to take a long, hot bath and fall asleep. He’ll overhear your whining and get the message.

5. Movie Night:  Always keep an emergency stash of his favorite movies on hand. Once you realize his intentions, suggest watching that one movie he can never get enough of. (Every man has one.) This may mean watching Rocky III for the twenty-third time, but to get some much needed rest, you’ll just have to take one on the chin. Caveat: Ditch this plan if his favorite type of movie is porn.

Good luck and catch up on some rest while you can! After all, tomorrow is a new day and you can best believe he’ll be ready for you.

Nicole Bradshaw’s first young adult novel, Unsinkable (Simon & Schuster), which gives a day-by-day account of the only black family on the doomed Titanic, will be published Spring 2013. Her second novel, Champagne Life (Simon & Schuster) hits stores in the Fall of 2013. She lives with her loving husband and three wonderful children in the Bahamas, where she works hard at keeping her family from making her feel like pulling out her hair.