By KAYWANDA LAMB
First of all, it’s really hard out here. HARD I tell ya! The landscape has changed, but it is still worth your trouble to get cute, dressed up and hopeful to find the love of your life. So, if you’re reading this post, you must be a single mom like myself who’d love to be a wife one day. Yeah, I’m proud and strong, but mama wants her own Boaz. But, like me, you do not have any life to waste on the wrong one (cues list of past loves we wish we had not …). Yeah, I’m with you. So what do you need to know to do this thing, i.e. date again without pulling your hair out? Let me help you. Here are my 10 things you must know when dating as a single mom.
10 Things To Know When Dating as a Single Mom
1. Your kids come first
Sis, I am the first to wish you well, but as you begin dating as a single mom, let your new beau know that family time is important to you. Now, yes you will need to cut the apron strings and get to know your new suitor, but … he needs to know in no uncertain terms that them babies of yours come first. We don’t need any man so bad that we neglect our blessings. So, get to know your new bae, enjoy him, but take care of home and make sure the kiddos are set, too. I am not advising you to say all of this on the first date or give the brother a hard time. I am, however, advising you to make sure he isn’t trying to keep you out all the time or cutting into your usual routines and family time.
You can always find a man. It’s hard to repair your relationship with your children who feel you put them on the sideline. Mamas, it’s not that serous. A man isn’t a plan or a must have to your detriment and that of your kids. You’re looking for a good man. Take your time. Enjoy this season and choose knowing that you and your babies are a package deal.
2. Be picky
Just because you’re single doesn’t make you desperate. Take some time to get to know what you want and be crazy enough to expect it. You are not for everyone. Don’t listen to folks when they want you to date a man who clearly is not your type just because you’re single. When you do know what you want sometimes they still say you’re picky. How about they be good friends and family and not try to put you in a relationship with “Bobby Good Enough” and allow you to be available for “Richard Just Right for Me!”
3. Good guys do exist
I know it’s hard to believe especially if you’ve kissed a few frogs, but there are great men out there looking for a good woman like you. Keep your energy about men in the right place. Know that a good man will come and expect it. The Bible says, “Speak things that are not as though they were.” Instead of saying “All men are _” say that your husband who loves you and God and will be an amazing father to your children. The man you seek exists but he also needs to find the woman he is looking for.Spend this season of singleness preparing for the love you seek by living a life you love … right. Click To Tweet
4. Have fun
Yes! You should be enjoying your life. Let me tell you that being single does not stop my flow. Listen, Boaz will find me living and loving and not in a corner waiting on him. Be found living sis. Your kids deserve to see a mom who loves the life she has and is chasing every dream God has given her.
5. Vet him all the time until you are sure
Now, I want you to live and love and all, but “mama shouldn’t be no fool!” Vet every fellow you decide to date. You want this thang to move into courting and so you must be willing let some folks go who are just not what you know you ultimately desire. Before he can get to the next level with you, he has to pass through your (hopefully) strict standards. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are too picky. You know what you want. Stick to it!Unless you have time to repeat the past, do yourself a favor and vet the men you date. Click To Tweet
6. You are worthy of a good love
If you are so consumed with finding a man, you will find one all right … one you don’t want. Don’t let the cry of your heart to do life with someone be so loud that you pick a male. Lol! Honey, you deserve a good love. You know it. So, while you are dating keep in mind your worth and you will attract some who will value it. This isn’t a 50 yard dash. This is a marathon. Enjoy the journey, pay attention as you round the curves, don’t look back, and keep your eye on the prize. Dating is an application process. Remember, you are the prize.
7. Take your time
Again, this is not a swift race. You don’t want any man. You want the man for YOU. Take your time, pay attention to what you are attracting, and be still enough to be honest with yourself about whether it is truly what you want. Take your time when dating. Everything is excellent in the beginning. EVERYTHING!!!! But, we all know it can change. So, chill! It’ll come when you’re ready. Dating is your process. Remember that. You have so much power. Use it wisely.
8. Know what you want first
No one wants to do this and that is why most women have no idea they’re dating the wrong guy. Please know who you are and what you want in a man first. This is the only way to avoid the heartache and lengthy time spent with the “wrong” guy. Yes, you can have a great courtship or relationship and even end on good terms, but does that mean you didn’t waste you time? Sure, you learned something and you lived. But, to get what you want in a man, you have to first know what that is.
Contrary to popular movies, music, and radio, experimenting with everybody is NOT a strategy. You say, “But Kaywanda, you’re single.” Yep and I know what I want so I will no longer settle for what I know is not a relationship I can fully invest in. Now, do I know it all? Of course not! But, in my almost 40 years and 14 as a single mom, I have paid attention and been the go to source for married and single folks to get sound advice. My faith guides me these days and I refuse to rely on my own desires and rush into something that I know is ultimately not going to serve me. Are you there yet? Doing better in dating only comes when you’re tired of what isn’t working. Have a seat and get to know you. Write down your wants and deal breakers. When you begin to date a new fellow, you’ll know within a few days or weeks if you should catch feelings. Lol! Or nah!
9. Keep your options open until certain
I’m not asking us ladies to do what guys do, but I am asking you to entertain possible suitors. If you are blessed enough to have a few men (insert GOOD men) vying for your attention, then you should get to know each to see which you’d best fit with. Now, a woman on a mission will have many suitors at once. I didn’t say sleep with. I said entertain, chat, date. Nada más!
You need to see how these folks behave in season and out. We fall in love so quick and make a guy our husband cutting off all contact with other suitors and most times that thing we wanted doesn’t work out. I’ve learned not to be so quick to make a decision and to watch people. In the end, you will do the picking. Make sure you’ve picked someone who lines up with what you say you want.Be upfront and honest about what you want. Tell him what you want and mean it. Click To Tweet
10. Tell him what you want early on and mean it
This is the place where we as women lose so much ground. Be upfront and honest about what you want. Tell him what you want and mean it. I know he’s cute, and fine, and your mama likes him, but if he is not wanting what you want … it won’t work. Wouldn’t you rather know upfront if this is an adventure you should take? So, do the work listed above and be confident in this next season of your life. You will find a love deserving of you when you know what you deserve and act like it.
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Kaywanda Lamb is an author, speaker, and single mom coach, AKA The Winning Single Mom. Her mission is to teach single moms to parent, thrive, and win using practical tips and strategy gleaned from her 14 years of experience. “10 Things You Must Know When Dating as a Single Mom” appeared originally on her website, KaywandaLamb.com. Connect with Kaywanda on Twitter (@Kaydyma), Facebook (Kaywanda Lamb The Winning Single Mom), Instagram (kaywandalamb), Pinterest (KaywandaL) and Periscope (@Kaydyma).
Mom. NY Times bestselling author. Pop culture ninja. Unapologetic lover of shoes, bacon and babies. Nice with the verbs. Founder of the top black parenting website, MyBrownBaby.