{Faith & Motherhood} Water-Walking Into Motherhood After Miscarriages and Others’ Doubt

“Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.” — Matthew 14:25-26

A year or so into our marriage, my hubby and I were ready to start a family. Having crossed the 35-year-old age marker, my biological clock was ticking so loud that astronauts were probably saying, “what’s that noise?” It took a while but when we found out we were pregnant for the first time, we were SO excited. All I could think about was my baby. Who would he most look like? What should we name her? I was SO caught up. Then, out of nowhere, the unthinkable happened. We lost our baby. Already a person with depressive tendencies, I was beside myself for a while. But thank God for optimism and the “Innanet.” I’d read the books and watched the testimonies online of those who said miscarriage in the early weeks of pregnancy was common. So… we kept trying. A few months later, we found out we were pregnant again. Still excited, we were a little more cautious this time. Sidebar: Isn’t it interesting how our past experience often defines our future responses? Anyway, I didn’t necessarily dive headfirst into setting up my baby registry but I still was confident that this time, it would be okay.

At ten weeks, we lost our child.

I was devastated.

After that experience, I was looking for answers. We both visited our doctors to make sure there was nothing physically wrong. When the tests came back, it appeared that everything was in working order. So now I was really confused. Why couldn’t I carry a baby to term? What was wrong with me? I spent the better part of a year wrestling with this issue until one day I just decided to push my desire way down deep into the corners of my heart where I kept all my other unfulfilled dreams and get about the business of living my life. I’d just released a new book, Interruption: The Gospel According to Crystal Justine, and had just signed the book deal for The Integrated Church. Hubby and I had closed on our first home. All of this would have to do.

Ahhh…but who’s that walking toward me on the water?

Hi, Jesus.

In January 2011, I found out I was pregnant again. I was admittedly nervous. In fact, it wasn’t just me who was anxious. I think everyone was hedging their bets… even my doctor.

“As long as we can get you to 24 weeks, we have a shot.”

“Well, if you make it to 28 weeks, it’ll be rough, but she’ll be okay.”

“Let’s try to get you to 32 weeks.”

As fierce as the little girl pictured in this post is, I’m not at all surprised she “stuck.” LOL!

Here’s my point: During my pregnancy and after giving birth to my daughter, there were so many people who tried to give me a valid, rational, reason why this particularly pregnancy was successful. “Well you were working less then.” No, I was actually working more. “Well, you were eating better then.” Perhaps, but the change in eating habits was barely noticeable. Just like the other disciples yelling out “It’s a ghost” they all tried to offer reasons that made sense to THEM.

In the disciples’ case, it couldn’t possibly be Jesus walking on the water, right? It HAD to be a ghost. A ghost made more sense than a man walking on the water in the middle of storm.

In my case, folks had determined that it couldn’t possibly have been God who opened my womb and gifted me with one of his precious daughters. It HAD to be something I did.

It certainly wasn’t.

The funny thing is… I’m the QUEEN of doing this to other people. I’m quick to reason away a miracle. Shifting the glory that belongs to God to the mere acts of man—just so I can understand them better. The scripture up top says the disciples cried “ghost” out of fear. Could it be possible that we do this because we actually fear the truth? Acknowledging the God in someone else’s life reminds us of our own lack of courage to get out of the boat and do the miraculous at His call.