By MARIE ROKER-JONES
One of my favorite lines from Spiderman 2 is when Peter Parker’s professor describes him: “He’s brilliant, but lazy. He’s always late to class, or absent entirely. He must stay out all night partying or something, because when he is here, he’s always exhausted, too worn out to take much initiative. He doesn’t do his homework.”
How many of us can relate to that when it comes to our sons? We nag, we threaten and we yell, but nothing seems to phase our sloth-like genius.What’s most frustrating is that we know they are capable of doing the work. It’s one thing if your son is struggling because of lack of knowledge or skill, it’s another when he’s just not motivated to do it. If you want your son to be intrinsically motivated, you have to explore the source of his underachievement.
I’ve watched my son set lofty academic goals and not meet them because he was not disciplined. We tried talking to him about studying habits and managing his time. All these suggestions were ignored. At what point, do you step back and let your son be accountable for his grades and his future? When dealing with your brilliant but lazy son, ask yourself: Who owns the problem? Is this your son’s problem or your problem? You’re probably thinking, ‘If he fails, it becomes my problem because I’ll be blamed”. Well first, you take your son’s age and mental and emotional development. If he’s at a stage where he can be accountable for his actions, then it’s time to redefine your role as a parent. As your son grows, you parenting responsibilities move from directing/managing to collaborating/delegating. We equip our sons with the tools they need to move from the cycle of underachievement to achievement.
Your son needs to be committed to his own personal success. We may want our sons to be intrinsically motivated but he needs to identify his attitudes and beliefs about himself. Does he see himself as a failure in some areas of his life? Why? What are his limiting beliefs? Are his beliefs turning into a self fulfilling prophecy?
One of the mistakes we made with our son was not identifying the underlying reason for his lack of motivation. We made assumptions, we blamed social media and social change, but we didn’t acknowledge our contribution to the problem.
Here’s what we learned:
1. Create a safe space for your son to share and feel heard. There may be hidden feelings that he does not feel comfortable sharing with you.
2 . Set guidelines and show him how to balance “work and play time”. Be consistent with helping him manage his time. This is something we struggle with as adults. Think about how much time do you spend on social media.
3. Show him how to problem solve. Teach your son to be resourceful. As he grows, life will become more complicated and challenging. He needs to be able to confront adversity and focus on solutions. Let him see problems as learning opportunities rather than setbacks.
4. Help him to recognize his abilities. He needs to know his own potential. If you are constantly praising him, he may become addicted to praise instead of recognizing his own strengths.
5. Build his self-awareness. Self-reflection gives your son insight into his goals and his plans for the future.
6. Help your son to see the lessons in failure. Let him know mistakes are part of life. Be an example of resiliency by showing him how you rebound from your mistakes.
7. Teach him self management skills. He will need these skills when he is dealing with a frustrating or challenging situation. If he falters under pressure, it will require more effort to get him to get back up.
8. Be flexible in your approach. Your frustration will not be a catalyst for your his transformation.
9. Don’t project your unfulfilled dreams on your son. Help him to blaze his own trails.
10. Don’t use shame to motivate your son. Shaming just produces feelings of inadequacies and resentment. Keep in mind, that your son needs your guidance in order to achieve success in life. He also needs you to model the behavior. Therefore, you need to address your own underachievement in order to help your son.
Marie Roker-Jones is editor of the Raising Boy section of The Good Men Project and the Founder of Raising Great Men™ -Real talk about raising boys to become men of character and What Kind of Man Do You Want to Be.