By RACHEL GARLINGHOUSE
African Americans have every reason to be suspicious of white people adopting black babies. From slavery to unethical medical experimentation to Jim Crow laws and more, history demonstrates that white people haven’t always been very kind to people of color, to say the least. As an English teacher, I read many books, and I can recall the numerous titles that talked about whites using slave children as entertainment at dinner parties while the children”s black parents looked on, powerless to stop the disgusting circus, knowing that at any moment, their kids could be sold to the highest bidder, stripped forever from their biological parents.
As an adoptive mom to two black children, and thus, the matriarch of a transracial family, I can testify that white privilege, prejudice, and stereotypes against black people still exist despite the number of people who claim to be colorblind. In addition to racial prejudices, my family is sometimes treated as second-class because we came together through adoption instead of biology. We have been asked horrendously nosy questions: Why didn’t you want your own kids? Are your girls real sisters? Why didn’t their birth mothers love them? I have been stopped in restaurants, airplanes, bathrooms and stores by strangers trying to figure out what’s up with my family.
Once I was preparing to take a weight lifting class at my gym when a black man in his sixties approached me and asked if the little girl I carried in with me every day was my child. I said, “Yes.” He said, “Is she really your child?” “Yes,” I said, growing irritated. Then he asked in a sincere tone, “Why didn’t you adopt one of your own kind?”
I have been asked the “why do white people adopt black babies?” question many times from people of various ages and races. Even little kids look back and forth between my daughters and me and ask, “Why are they brown?” It’s hard for me to respond, mainly because I”m often caught off guard by these questions and because there is no right answer that will satisfy their curious minds. I am not an adoption professional with a title, but I can share with you from experience and research some possible answers to the “why.”
First, there aren’t enough black, adoptive couples willing, able, or available to adopt black children. Look on any major adoption agency’s website under “waiting families,” and you’ll see what I mean; the couples smiling back at you are predominantly white. The reasons for this are debatable, complicated and numerous, ranging from socioeconomic disparity to cultural norms to familial beliefs and traditions. And, despite what some may believe, black birth mothers sometimes choose white parents to adopt their children, even when there are available black couples.
Second, while there are way more white couples who say they want to adopt white children only there are approximately 24 white couples available to every white child available for adoption some of us don’t care what color the child is. When we started our first adoption process, our social worker told us that out of more than 20 families waiting to adopt, only two were open to adopting a black child. Two. Our hearts ached. I believe some families, like ours, realize that ultimately, they want to be parents, and the child’s race is not a reason to say “no” to a child who needs a home.
Third, non-traditional family structures are far more acceptable than ever before, and this holds true for transracial adoptive families. You have celebrities to thank. Like it or not, celebrities, who often live their lives in front of the paparazzi and in the pages of gossip magazines, TV shows and blogs, set standards for our society, and one that’s become a reoccurring meme is that of the white celebrity adopting a child of color. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock, Tom Cruise and Madonna all adopted transracially, making the transracial adoptive family, while still unique, seem much more common. And when it seems more common, people are more likely to accept it and some of them are likely to follow suit.
Ultimately, I think my girls’ birthmothers deserve respect for the decisions they made. They are both educated, caring women who chose us to raise their daughters. Was race a factor in their decision? Perhaps. But every mother I know, regardless of race, wants opportunities, security, and love for their children. Color doesn’t decide who can and cannot provide those things.
Personally, my motivation to be open to adopting a child of any race came from my belief that God is ultimately in charge. We were educated on transracial adoption, and we live and work in diverse communities. Additionally, we travel often, enjoying the experiences of learning about other races and cultures. We also trusted that if the child’s birth mother felt we were the best parents for her child, we would respect and honor that decision, regardless of the child’s skin color.
Now, how do I explain that in a nutshell to a nosy stranger?
I do not think every adoptive family is prepared to adopt a child of another race. When parenting children of color in a transracial family, love simply is not enough. I”ll repeat. Love is NOT enough. Research on transracial adoptees demonstrates time and time again that transracial parenting is a unique task one that must be carried out with education and intention in order to raise confident, secure children.
Each morning when I wake up, I don’t think, “I’m going to get my adopted black kids out of bed.” My day looks much like any other mother’s: meals, play time, work, errands, chores, diaper changes, tantrums, and tickle fights. My girls are “my own” despite the questions we are often asked or the stares we encounter. Our motivation to adopt and to accept a child of any race is, despite the complexity of race and adoption in America, quite simple: I wanted to be a mother to the child God had for us.
Rachel Garlinghouse is the proud mother of two brown babies. She is a freelance writer and college writing teacher. Read more about her family at White Sugar, Brown Sugar.
Editor’s Note: Newsweek’s The Daily Beast ran an equally compelling story about an African American family that consistently catches all kinds of grief when they’re out in public with their adopted white daughter. In his piece, writer Tony Dokoupil notes that “persistent double standards mean that African-American parents are still largely viewed with unease as caretakers of any children other than their own or those they are paid to look after.” Click here to check out “What Adopting A White Girl Taught A Black Family About Race In the Obama Era.”
{ 67 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post! We get comments from people now and then….but mostly positive. Sometimes you just have to have some fun with it! hahahaha!
I really enjoyed this piece. I was very pleased to hear Rachel say that she and her husband purposefully live and work in diverse areas so that their girls are exposed to lots of different kinds of people and families. Going over to check out her blog now!
Very well put. Thank you!
This is a great post. The fact is that is not easy for agencies to find homes for Black Children awaiting adoption. My sisters and I were lucky; not only we were we adopted at ages the are considered undesirable (I was 3, and my sisters were 5 and 7), we are biological sisters and had a greater chance of being split up than we did of being adopted together. I am more concerned with domestic adoption than with the race of those families adopting children. My husband and I are looking to expand our family and are discussing adoption. If and when we do begin the process, we will be looking to adopt a black child.
It’s so great to hear Rachel address this topic from her own experience. It’s clearly not a decision to be made lightly, to gain brownie points, or to follow a trend. Raising a transracial family is not for wimps. Thanks for your candidness.
I am an adoptive mom in reverse-an AA woman who adopted her white, foster daughter. I get asked this same question all the time and i too consider it nosey and time consuming to give a complete answer. I went into foster care with rose colored glasses on and really got a rude awakening. All I was concerned about was taking care of the kids in my home. It has been a real leaarning experience but one in which I have grown leaps and bounds in my walk with God as a mom and a woman.
You go girl. As a (politically incorrect white male) I am glad there are people like you.
I’m Rachel, the author.
Thank you for all your lovely comments and thoughts. If any of you have any adoption questions or need support, you can e-mail me at whitebrownsugar@hotmail.com or visit my blog and leave me a comment.
While I am writing this in the background are the last children I have adopted .total children 14. We started as foster parents and kept all that were up for adoption. When children need a stable home color was not an issue with us, can we do it was the main issue. We have Biracial children and exposing them to their other half was and is very important.Love is not enough but it is a start.We need more AA families to open their hearts to a child waiting for a good home. Times were not that easy but well worth it……Ireta and her Crew
Great post! A child is a child regardless of race. How could anyone who truly wants to become a parent say no to a child because of the color of their skin? I will never understand that. Your lives are richer for embracing these beautiful blessings that you have been given
Excellent article, as usual Rachel!
I love the fact that someone is willing and able to adopt a child no matter the race! So kudos to you for doing that… I get asked if we adopted our youngest child who is very light compared to the rest of us, it is all a very irritating process, questions and all the sort…
Great article and right on. I know a family that has a child with Autism and many times strangers will ask why their child acts the way he does, Nick simply hands them a small business type card that says. “My child has Autism and his condition causes him to……etc.”
I suggest the same for adoptive parents. This eliminates the need to constantly explain to strangers (not that you have to) why you have interracial kids. You can take one of two approaches to this situation, react or act. You can get angry and blow them off since it’s none of their business in the first place or take the opportunity to educate them. I suggest the latter.
Mike
what an interesting idea. I will have to try that. because with small children in tow, it is often very difficult to adequately answer these types of questions. Usually, I feel like I end up saying something less precise or helpful than I would like simply because I am distracted by my {loud} children.
Thanks again for being a voice for adoptive parents of Black children. It has been really encouraging for me to hear your take on things. Well-written. I also liked your post about how incredibly frustrating it is to find brown baby dolls, cards, etc. http://whitesugarbrownsugar.blogspot.com/2011/08/frustrating-
to-say-least-white-mama-of.html
Honestly this problem is just shameful. I have also noticed that the brown dolls are often not “too brown” and really never have curly hair. What’s up with that??
Andi, girl I hear you! I wrote a letter to the creators of the LaLa Dolls. The only AA doll had blond, STRAIGHT, hair. Ummmm….ok. I mean, if when my daughter gets older she wants blond straight hair, that’s her choice. But right now she’s a little girl with natural hair, and I think toy makers should support kids of all colors, not just white kids!!!
Andie, girl I hear you! I wrote a letter to the creators of the LaLa Dolls. The only AA doll had blond, STRAIGHT, hair. Ummmm….ok. I mean, if when my daughter gets older she wants blond straight hair, that’s her choice. But right now she’s a little girl with natural hair, and I think toy makers should support kids of all colors, not just white kids!!!
Rachel, you have got to be joking!? Blonde? Shouldn’t the point be to represent the largest group possible? Just seems like bad marketing, among other things….
Rachel,
Great post. I’m a single mom who adopted transracially. My son is 9 now and came home at 9 months from foster care. We’ve been very lucky with negative comments – they have been few and far between. And when I do get them my answer is usually – he is my son and that is all you need to know. We are open out him being adopted and he explains it to his friends the way he sees fit. But I truly believe that this little boy was meant to be mine. There is a reason we adopt however we adopt and that is because that is where are children are. They may have been born to different mothers or have different ethnicicties or cultures, but they were born to be ours and we were lead to them. Good luck with your girls. God Bless
This is a great piece- delve deeper! I dont understand the god references….not a religious person….but everything else was on point.
I love the line: Each morning when I wake up, I dont think, “Im going to get my adopted black kids out of bed.†My day looks much like any other mothers: meals, play time, work, errands, chores, diaper changes, tantrums, and tickle fights. My girls are “my own†despite the questions we are often asked or the stares we encounter. Our motivation to adopt and to accept a child of any race is, despite the complexity of race and adoption in America, quite simple: I wanted to be a mother to the child God had for us. That is so true. How many times have you been told what a great service it is of you to adopt a black child? You gotta laugh at peoples ignorance.
@Jon—so many adoptive parents are held up as saints for adopting. Adopting isn’t about looking good to others or “saving” a child. It’s about people wanting to be parents, kids who need homes, and the two come together. I can’t count the number of times people have said our kids are “so lucky” to have us. How funny! I thought we were the lucky ones!
The idea that my kid was “meant to be mine” and not his first mom’s is not something I think is true though. You say, “I wanted to be a mother to the child God had for us.”
I would consider your god quite a cruel one to allow a mother to grow and bond with a child, and then have to give that child away. For whatever reason. And certainly if you, the writer believes it was some sort of master plan for this child to go through so much suffering to end up with you? that I dont get at all.
Thanks for the article. I suppose my biggest frustration was that I assumed that white couples were starting to adopt black children because it’s the latest fad made popular by celebrities. It’s great that you pointed out that “love is not enough” in order for couples to raise a child of another race. It’s so important to educate children on their heritage. It’s the core of who they are and whether we like it or not…it’s how the world sees them. I would much rather an african american child find a loving home no matter what race instead of spending a lifetime in an orphanage or foster care, and I’m glad that white couples are stepping up to fill in the gap where honestly we as african americans sometimes fail as long as it’s done for the right reasons because if the motivation is wrong then the child may be worse off.
@Anna I do not believe my children were created to be mine, nor do I believe that God wants children separated from their biological family members. However, I do respect the choice that my children’s birth parents made. They decided they couldn’t/shouldn’t parent their girls for reasons I obviously won’t disclose here. When I say I was ready to parent the child God had for us, I meant just that. At the point in time when my girls’ birth parents decided on adoption, we were available to adopt. The girls’ birth parents made the difficult choice to terminate their parental rights and give us their children. I do believe God’s hand was in the midst of that difficult decision. I continue to see God’s grace in our girls’ adoptions. Adoption is very complicated. VERY. Perhaps this will be a new article for MBB!
AMEN!!
Thanks for this post. As a Filipina mother (married to a white guy) to a brown baby boy, I have gotten similar questions, lots of looks especially when the whole family is together, and thinly veiled questions about my son.
I think that this is a good beginning to a longer discussion about white class privilege and the expense that goes into the business of adoption (because it is big business) and how that might exclude families of color (or lower income whites for that matter) who want to adopt but cannot afford it. Many families of color in the U.S. have informally adopted children but haven’t gone through the necessary paperwork and legalities to make it “official” so I’m not convinced that it is as black and white as “people of color don’t want to adopt black children.”
I think your post brings up many issues that those pursuing adoption reform want to see addressed including class/race privilege, inequities in the foster care system that lead to a disporportionate number of children of color being removed from homes, and lack of resources for birth mothers who may want to parent their children but feel that they cannot.
It’s a complicated and multifaceted issue as all things related to race tend to be but I wholeheartedly agree with you that love certainly isn’t enough.
It sounds like you have a beautiful family and are a wonderful mother. I just want to add a few points. The issue regarding African American kids and same-race placement is less a shortage of African American families wanting to adopt, and more the desire of all adoptive parents, African American included, to adopt infants. Since many African American children become available for adoption through the foster care system, they are more likely to be older as well as overrepresented among kids waiting for adoption for extended periods of time, or who age out of the system. I think this is important to note, because there is a misperception that African Americans don’t adopt, even though they (we) are more likely to adopt than other ethnicities. We need to support and encourage all potential adoptive parents to be more open to adopting older, and we also need to address social ills (poverty, mental health issues, addictions) that lead to so many kids being in foster care.
This is a fantastic article! I grew up with two white parents, (two of my older brothers were their biological children), and then they adopted me and my sister. Growing up was not as difficult as many people made it out to be. I always had diverse friends, in reality, the comments made from other Black people about my parents, are what hurt the most; not white.
Although I never though of why a white couple would adopt black children, I enjoyed reading your explanation. I think it is as common as you explain it to be (per the celebrities influences) as well as how acceptance has progressed in some areas through the years. God bless you for just wanting to adopt children without color being such a concern. I pray that you all are happy.
While your reasons for adopting a black child sounds truly noble, the reality is that, your money, status and class in racist American still allows you to buy our children just like the slave masters brought and sold our children years ago. Most of the agencies that place African American children are white run agencies, they determine adoption criteria, often denying eligible black families the right to adopt black children, in favor of placing them with you. Part of a continuing systemic effort (colonizer mentality) to undermine the growth and vitality of the black community. So, I have good reason to distrust even the most well meaning white persons when it comes to adopting children of color. This is a strategically instituted programme of adopting out our children (but relatively few black parents are permitted to adopt white children) which serves only to further gentrify and assimalate black youth towards anglo american culture and away from a healthy identity as African American. Even the slave master favored those blacks that were more like him in appearance and behavior. Few white adoptive parents fail to teach the black adoptive child their history, culture or embrace their identity as black. Many white adopted parents have no black friends, and have no interest in learning about or teaching the child their cultural background. Causing some children to lack a healthy self esteem. How can children of color develop a healthy self esteem, when clearly there is and elephant in the room that is being ignored. Other white adoptive parents exchange the child’s identity for a false colorless identity. If you were truly color blind then you would be able to love them as black children, culture and all. I see many white parents that adopt who don’t even take the time to learn to take care of the black child’s hair like they do their own. Thus, the child runs around looking like an unkempt caricature instead of looking like a well groomed black child. This makes the child stand out and prone to become a target of teasing and non acceptance among their black peers and white children alike. Thereby isolating the child in your “colorless environment” is a denial of the fact that God made them Black, endowed with different physical characteristics and cultural heritage. It is also a denial of their fundamental right to to a healthy and mature self image as a black person. Living in isolated all white communities further subjects them to the potential of childhoods filled with mental, emotional and physical abuse, which occurs right under your very noses and should be considered neglect. By ignoring the realities of the racist world in which we live parents are not only not prepared to deal with racial harrassment the child will likely endure, they fail to talk about it or help the child learn what to do in those situations. Instead of embracing and celebrating their differences, many simply choose to ignore the parts of the child that are not like themselves. Similarly slaves masters used some of the same tactics to stripped African slaves of their culture and identity.
Ultimately the underlying message being sent is that there is something wrong with being black and so we had to take you into the white world and make them one of us for you to be ok in your eyes. Very few white adoptive parents ensure that their black child has a diversity of friends, social situations and influences in their life. As a result, some kids rebel in teen years by simply walking away from the adoptive family in anger. Others become disfunctional developing unhealthy self images and full of self loathing.
Only when I see adoptive parents embracing and celebrating the whole child cultural , physical differences as well as, striving to develop healthy children with their self esteem and pride in tact will I be comfortable with inter racial adoptions.
As a transracial adoptee I see myself as the exception to all the points that imply why a white person adopts a black child. I am a deep brown black and very proud of my black skin, heritage, and culture because of how my parents raised me. I understand the white guilt, history of slaves and slave owners, and look at my parents and know that is not why I am their daughter. Your post is disheartening because you are playing into the role that looks down on adoption. African american children aren’t being adopted in general whether its a black family or white family. I asked my black friends would they adopt and the most common answer is: No, I want to have my OWN kids. So what does that say about the community? I’m not saying a white family is better but their are many reasons why black families don’t adopt that should also be addressed. Although you applaud the white parents that do right by your standards it’s almost lost with your previous post where you say: “Only when I see adoptive parents embracing and celebrating the whole child cultural , physical differences as well as, striving to develop healthy children with their self esteem and pride in tact will I be comfortable with inter racial adoptions.” So instead of looking down at these mixed families try encouraging- offering hair tips. At 21 years old having white parents hasn’t made me less black but a role model to young families that are just starting this journey.
I agree completely, I feel IF YOU WANT TO ADOPT A BLACK CHILD, One of the parents SHOULD BE BLACK or whatever that childs ethnicity is. We live in a world of FORCED WHITE PRIVILEGE, We see White Countries STICKING their noses in other countries to steal resources under the guise of helping, we see African nations who the US AND UK governments (OWNED BY BANKS AND CORPORATIONS) making sure that corrupt people are in charge. To ensure the money flows to WHITE CONTROLLED CORPORATIONS. We see these corrupt governments SELLING BLACK CHILDREN who are orphaned due to “white privilege” from said nations and we see here in America the continued Social and Mental abuse Black people are forced to exist in, and then we see a FAKE BLACK MAN CHOSEN AS PRESIDENT TO HIDE THE INEQUALITIES and dismiss the unconstitutional program known as white privilege. Black Americans have been shit on so long that they start thinking like their captors, we see Black people join the military THAT IS THE STRONG ARM OF A RACIST NATION. All because white people don’t want to give up their privilege. They feign equality and would never want an America which is truly EQUAL. We see the CIA (documented) bring in Crack to continue the destruction of black people, We see a Media that portrays Black men and women in every negative light as well as well as social programming that makes Black women so ashamed of who they are that they spend hundreds of dollars a month to Wipe the Blackness out of their Hair and Skin or Black men shave their heads (think about how many “brothers” you see with naturals, Chris Rocks documentary “Good Hair” is an example of this). Black American is now White America, Look at our president, How he distances himself FROM ANY REAL TALK ABOUT BLACK AMERICAN CONDITIONS, he says “STOP COMPLAINING” and everythings not that bad, MORE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGRAMMING. Infact if he wasn’t half white HE WOULD NOT OF BEEN SO ACCEPTABLE TO SO CALLED LIBERALS. I have more respect for White racists than the Liberals who support the same system and hide their privilege behind “house niggers”. The only reason you adopt black children is BECAUSE DUE TO YOUR WHITE PRIVILEGE YOU HAVE THE INCOME AND “PROTECTION OF YOUR COMPLECTION” to provide the opportunities. Ever wonder why most black people who succeed in US AND UK never say anything about these racist systems? Obama sells his soul FOR MONEY AND IN MY OPINION HE HAS SET BLACK PEOPLE BACK DECADES IN ACHIEVING TRUE EQUALITY. All these are the truths CRITICAL THINKING BLACK PEOPLE and CRITICAL THINKING PEOPLE OF ALL RACES ARE AWARE OF. IF you want to help Black children, STOP SUPPORTING RACIST GOVERNMENTS AND SYSTEMS THAT REINFORCE WHITE PRIVILEGE. We can TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN KIDS if you stop denying our self susstenance BY ENFORCING WHITE PRIVILEGE. I dated a women who was raised by a white couple, she now doesn’t speak to them and has a mistrust of white people. Non of her parents friends were Black and she told me she always felt like an outcast, after working her way through college she began to see WHAT THE TRUE REASONS her crack mother gave her up were all about. If you want a world of EQUALITY STOP USING YOUR WHITE PRIVILEGE AND MAKE A STAND LIKE TIM WISE DOES. I also went to school with a black man who was raised by a white couple, HE HAD A DISDAIN FOR BLACK PEOPLE. WE don’t need you to abduct our children, We need you to stand up to YOUR GOVERNMENTS AND NEIGHBORS AND STOP THE SYSTEM IN THIS WORLD THAT DEMONIZES AND STEALS FROM US. We need you to stop using “HOUSE NIGGERS” TO JUSTIFY your privilege, because they learned it is a good source of income. We don’t live in an equal world and YOU ARE CREATING A GENERATION OF BLACK PEOPLE WHO ARE CULTURALLY BANKRUPT AND are nothing more than white THINKING PEOPLE with Black skin. A white couple who adopts black children is not different than if a German Nazi couple adopted a Jewsih child. Stop LIVING IN YOUR DREAM WORLD ENFORCED BY THER RACIST MEDIA. Please stop KILLING OUR CHILDRENS MINDS, YOU ARE HURTING US. I doubt these words will sink through your PRIVILEGED MINDS. It is so much easier to succeed BASED ON A SYSTEM THAT REWARDS YOU FOR YOUR RACE and punishes does who are not white. And stop using House niggers to justify your SELFISH whims. Transracial Abduction, IS NOTHING MORE THAN MODERN SLAVERY only justified by selfish people who DON’T WANT TO END THEIR PRIVILEGE BUT PRETEND IT DOESN’T EXIST.
Your comment on here is overtly racist and uncalled for. What makes you think youre the only one who has ever been oppressed? I’m of Celtic descent. My ancestors were slaughtered by the catholic church and driven from their lands. We still celebrate a holiday in honor of this atrocity every march. They were segregated from American society we they first came to this country and were considered dirty undesirables. Today, as a white person I see constant prejudice. I have been denied jobs on the basis of my race, I have been socially ostracized, I have been threatened, and I have been looked upon with disdain and distrust. The idea of “preserving black culture” is absurd. You seriously believe that we should encourage segregation? That those who challenge the color lines should be ashamed of themselves? That I don’t know what prejudice is and cannot teach my children to love themselves without teaching them to adhere to racial stereotypes? Do you have the same fears about white children in black homes? Racism and prejudice goes all directions, and is just as hurtful to all people. To claim that white people are harming black children by being white is racist and wrong. Did you even listen to MLK when he spoke?
JumpingDjembe… you started off good. But you’re whole argument fell apart after about the second sentence. Prejudice may go in all directions… but Racism is not the same and does not have arrows pointing in 2 directions. Don’t have the time to get into the rest of your comments…. but just stick to the first sentence and you may be alright.
How many children have YOU adopted?
Seriously? Where’s your data? Have you even been to an adoption agency? Have you heard of black social workers? MANY social workers are black, and many agencies FIRST try to recruit African-American families.
And were you aware that with 95% of adoption agencies in the United States, it’s the BIRTH MOTHER who chooses the adoptive family?
It’s time to lose the paranoia, my friend. It’s not that deep.
Time and effort could better be spent in combating poverty, rape, incest, unsafe sex, all of which lead many birth mothers to choose an adoption plan.
I want to applaud the many white adoptive parents who do take their children of color to black cultural affairs and provide a diversity of role models of color in toys, books and movies brought into the home. Big ups to the moms who sit down with their black girlfriends or coworkers and learn how to care for their child’s black natural or permed hair. You are loving your child of color into a healthy self identity as a person of color, worth and teaching them to be self confident to go out into the world and handle their business.
Thank you!
“.. the reality is that, your money, status and class in racist American still allows you to buy our children just like the slave masters brought and sold our children years ago.”
“Ultimately the underlying message being sent is that there is something wrong with being black and so we had to take you into the white world and make them one of us for you to be ok in your eyes. ”
Would you have preferred if she left the black children in foster care and only went for white children? She noted that there were not that many black parents adopting in general. So those girls could possibly be sitting for years with no parents to take them in and love them. Is that a better situation?
Wonderful post! My in-laws have three adopted sons who are black–and the youngest of them is now in college. The mind reels at the questions and looks she must have gotten 20 years ago. I applaud her–and you–for your courage, to put up with such a level of ignorance and disregard when all you wanted was a child. I hope the world is a kinder place when they decide to have children of their own.
@B LIndsey,
I agree with many of your points. It’s important that white families adopting black kids to many things. Take care of the kids’ skin and hair, which I do. TEach them about their race, which I do. Allow them opportunities to befriend kids of other races (besides white), which I do. Do not be colorblind (we do not pretend to be). The list goes on and on. But I will never be black—period, so yes, my children will always miss out on that—having a black parent. But, my daughters do have open adoptions with their birth families, so that is not taken from them.
I want to know where you find your information on AA parents being denied entrance to adoption agencies. I have heard this before from a friend of mine, but still wasn’t provided research or information. Please share!
The agency we worked with to adopt both our girls practically begs AA couples to apply and work with them, yet no one is stepping forward. This is an ethical, affordable agency (affordable in comparision to other agencies). The county we adopted from attempts to racially match AA children to AA couples—but it rarely happens.
I do not believe, by default, that AA infants available for adoption are better off with AA parents because…in an adoption situation (domestic and voluntary), the biological mom is looking to provide her child with something (s) she cannot. She is obviously the same race or partially the same race as her biological child. That is not what is most important to her. She realizes that she wants her child to have X, which she cannot provide, so she places. We were able to provide our children things that their biological mothers wanted for them and that they could not provide at the time of their child’s birth. Race wasn’t one of them…because my daughter’s biological mother had the choice between an AA couple (who was not Christian) and us, who were. ONE reason she chose us was because she was certain she wanted her children with a Christian family.
It is up to no person to tell my daughter’s first mother that she didn’t know what was best for her child. If she chose us for ANY reason, that is HER choice. To tell her it’s not good enough b/c the child doesn’t racially match us is incredibly disrespectful.
Race matters. A lot. Love isn’t enough when adopting transracially, as I said in the article. But I do think white parents (or parents of any race) can successfully raise a child of another race—if they take the job seriously and do everything they can, with support and education, to raise a confident child.
@Rachel, my information is from my experience of many years of working in the child placement and adoption system, in a large metropolitan area of the US. I personally witnessed the inequalities that AA parents face when the seek to adopt children. Maybe because it has not been your reality, so it is hard to fathom. Many are found not qualified because of high debt to income ratio, living in ” high crime areas”, family members incarcerated, past history of arrest, etc. In addition, AA in the US still do not have full equality in many areas, most notably: salaries, education or housing. They are still the primary subjects of police arrest and are incarcerated at a higher rate than any other group despite statistics that show they are not committing the majority of the crimes in America.
In addition, their communities often reflect the many socioeconomic conditions that have been continually been forced upon them by systemic and often racist policies, that keeps them marginalized. For example, the amount of illegal drugs and weapons that are permitted to flood into AA communities. Alcoholic substances like Malt Liquor, known to fuel violent tempers is only sold in the AA community. So, the playing field is still not level for AA in the area of adoption policies either.
That’s why it upsets me to see comments on here like, AA don’t want to adopt AA children. AA have a long history of taking care of everyones children, even today how many AA or brown skin nannies do you see touting around children all day in your own home town. So, it is not because AA have no care or concern for children that they do not adopt in large numbers. Lets not just look at adoption as an isolated problem, it is connected to a whole host of other issues in the AA community.
Yet, at the same time every day, we see a parade of various celebrities bringing home brown skin babies from all over the world. Yet some of them should not be anyones parent with their history of drinking, drugging and wilding out behavior. Lets make no mistake, their status, money and skin color has allowed them the privilege of collecting brown skin children from all over the world like travel trinkets.
T. Lindsey, as a woman of color period I consider your attack on Rachel heart wrenching. If she wanted to adopt a green child with yellow hair how that affecting you in any way shape or form. This woman adopted because of love and desire to become a mom, not recieve acknowledgement for rearing AA kids. Should the fact that Rachel is white disqualify her for raising children of color? No, it shouldn’t infact the the only thing that should disqualify her is her ability to love, cherish, educate and nurture her children. It’s said that we still live in a time where ignorance is still bliss in the AA society.
@ T. Wilson , As a Black woman and knowing the history of slavery, You can not tell me that this trend does not bother you. There is a mass of white people adopting black children because they love them! I will be the first to say that something is going on that we don’t know about. Adoption agencies put AA families thru a lot to adopt children. So before you all get on this site and say AA don’t wanna adopt get the facts.
Rachel (: Great article. Thank you for doing this!! I am getting ready to write a post on myths about domestic adoption. Enough is enough with peoples mis guided info. Take Care!!
Im Black and I want to adopt Black children. Nobody wants Black children but I dont understand why White parents would want Black children. The stigmas and racismand things that Blacks go through in this country are things that Whites will never be able to grasp. It seems kinda akward when you got White parents trying to teach a Black male child how to make it in America. Plus, with that story about that Ethoipian girl who got beaten and starved to death by her White parents makes me question adoption. Children should never be seprated from their bio parents. This aint slavery anymore
I am of the opinion that if you can love a child and offer it a home where it will be taken care of financially and loved, you should be able to adopt a child. Whether you’re gay, straight, black, white, or purple polka dot. Your comment is really confusing.. first you say that you want to adopt black children then you say that children should never be separated from their bio parents.. Which is it?? And as far as the story about the Ethiopian child who was abused by her adoptive parents, there have been several stories about black adoptive parents who have abused their children too.. What about Cynthia Greenwood who forced her 12 year old adopted daughter to have an abortion after her biological son raped her? Does that mean that black people shouldn’t be allowed to adopt? Come on now.. There are messed up people of every race.. Adoption has nothing to do with slavery. I think that if i were in the system being bounced from place to place, i’d be happy with any family who loved me.
People will never harm their exotic pets.
My 19 yr old son’s best friend (since age four) is “biracial”. He was adopted by a “white” couple, who also happened to be in their 50′s when he was brought to them at four weeks old as a foster child. Bio mom was a “white” druggie and bio dad was a “black” prison inmate. How would he have been raised if he had stayed with bio parents like this? Instead, his “old white parents” raised him to be a patriotic, God-loving young man who has excelled at everything he has put his hand to. Sure, he had some times of questioning his situation, but with the love and support of his adoptive family, including five “white” older siblings, and the love and support of two life-long “white” (blue-eyed …eegads!) best friends, this young man has forged a path of success for himself. He is now a cadet at the academically elite and hard-to-get-into United States Air Force Academy. He could lead our military one day… The “whiteness” of this young man’s family and best friends did not damage his ability to become the remarkable young person he is. Get it people: Lets stop dividing ourselves by color, but instead unite with like-minded people of all “colors” and watch all our young people succeed. Let’s support GOOD homes for all children, regardless of the “color” of their parents.
can somebody adopt me. i like to see this the people of the world do this
Why on earth to Whites insist on adopting Black children? Your own race only accounts for 8% of the entire world and already has a below replacement birth rate but your own self hatred has you content with aborting and race mixing your people out of existence. ‘I’m proud of my brown mutts, I’m proud to support the genocide of my own people, aren’t i liberal and progressive’. Cultural Marxism = greatest experiment EVER.
Amen Mama! For a variety of reasons, our love for our soon-to-be-adopted son faces many of the same battles (even though we happen to be the same color). We too share a love for him that crosses all boundaries & transcends all ignorant stares/questions from others.
It’s a little unsettling to see more than a few people place their own racially charged agenda ahead of worrying about the children themselves.
If one complains about a white person adopting a baby of another race, what would one prefer? That the baby remain in the system, be raised by the system without a singular stable home?
Instead of taking the adoption for what it is at face value, and even giving the prospective parents the shred of a benefit of a doubt, some are determined to ignore the actual child in question in favor of spinning up a political narrative about racial tension, privilege, assimilation.
Is the system fair? Nope, probably not. America itself is still full of racism and inequality. But while people argue and fight over that, the children still sit in the system and in foster care. In point of fact, there aren’t enough people adopting children… period. Theoretically, there should be zero orphans in the United States. There should be more than enough prospective families of every race and background to provide good homes for children in the system. Yet a shocking number of children are still left in the no-man’s land of foster care.
There are many misleading and outright bad popular ideas that prevent children from having homes. People still hold to primitive concepts about magical connections between birth parents and children. People still unthinkingly assume that it is more “correct” to raise your own biological child over another child who needs a parent. Do a web search… you’ll find blogs devoted to advising people to never adopt, written by women who insist that children have a literally supernatural connection to their biological mother only. And they attack adoptive parents, calling them “fake parents” who “pretend” to be the mother and father of their adopted child.
Bottom line: children having a stable home with lifelong parents should come first. Everything is is arguing about your politics.
im from eritrea & still can’t understand why do white people adopt other race more then their own race. I could see if they adopt a european child, but not black american, ethiopian chinese etc. white people please just don’t adopt an eritrean, i well give u bad look…
I FIND IT VERY OFFENSIVE WHEN I SEE WHITE PEOPLE WITH OUR CHILDREN! THEY WEAR OUR BABIES LIKE A SHOW-PIECE. NOTHING MORE THAN A REPETITION OF WHAT WHITES HAVE BEEN DOING TO OUR PEOPLE SINCE THE TIME OF THE “SCRAMBLE FOR AFRICA”. THEY FLAUNT IT IN OUR FACES THAT THEY STILL FIND PLEASURE IN SEPARATING OUR FAMILIES AND BUYING AND SELLING OF OUR BABIES, ALL TOO REMINISCENT OF THE AUCTION BLOCKS.
MANY WILL NOT DISCUSS THE CHILD MOLESTATION, ABUSE AND NEPOTISM THAT GOES ON IN ADOPTIVE FAMILIES. THESE PERVERTED PARENTS FEEL THAT BECAUSE IT’S “THEIR” CHILD/PROPERTY/POSSESSION THEY CAN DO WITH THE CHILD WHATEVER THEY WANT. YET THEY ARE STILL LOOKED AT AS SAVIORS OF “THE POOR LITTLE NEGROES”.
TRUTH IS FAR TOO MANY BLACK >ARE>REMOVE<GIVINGLIED< ON ME AND ACCUSED ME OF CHILD ABUSE. I HAVE NEVER ABUSED MY CHILD. MY SON WAS USUALLY WELL BEHAVED AND RARELY NEEDED ANY SORT OF DISCIPLINE. HIS USUAL DISCIPLINE WAS ME VERBALLY LECTURING HIM ABOUT WHAT HE UNDERSTOOD AND WHAT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. ONCE WHEN HE WAS 7 YEARS OLD AFTER PLAYING AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE, HE WALKED IN THE OUR HOUSE WITH SOMETHING IN HIS POCKET. I ASKED HIM TO SHOW ME WHAT HE HAD. HE IMMEDIATELY STARTED CRYING. HE SHOWED ME. IT WAS A CELL PHONE. SO I ASKED WHERE DID YOU GET IT? HE SAID HE TOOK IT HOME FROM HIS FRIEND'S HOUSE. I ASKED DID HE ASK IF IT WAS OK TO TAKE IT HE SAID NO. SO I ASKED WHY WAS HE CRYING HE SAID BECAUSE I STOLE IT. I SAID YOU KNOW THAT STEALING IS WRONG DON'T YOU? HE SAID YES. I SAID PUT OUT YOUR HAND HE DID. I SAID, I HAVE TO SPANK YOU SO THAT YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR FLESH AND NEVER FORGET THAT IT'S WRONG BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG YOU SEEM TO SOMEHOW FORGET. I TAPPED HIM IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND WITH MY HAND AND CONTINUED TO TELL HIM WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF HE DIDN'T CHANGE HIS WAYS. I TOLD HIM A TAP ON THE HAND IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HAVING TO SPEND TIME IN JAIL AND RUINING YOUR CAREER IN THE FUTURE. I TOLD HIM I WAS BEING VERY LENIENT ON HIM BECAUSE I ONLY WANT TO TEACH HIM RIGHT FROM WRONG. MY INTENT IS TO EDUCATE AND TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T HEAD DOWN THE WRONG PATH. I TOLD HIM WHEN WE DO THE WRONG THINGS IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. I ASKED WHAT HE THOUGHT WOULD BE THE BEST THING TO DO. HE SAID, "I SHOULD RETURN IT". I SAID YES YOU WILL GIVE IT BACK BUT BEFORE YOU JUST GIVE IT BACK YOU MUST OWN UP TO WHAT YOU DID. YOU MUST CALL YOUR FRIEND AND HIS PARENTS AND LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU STOLE IT FROM THEM. YOU MUST TELL THEM HOW REMORSEFUL YOU ARE AND APOLOGIZE. YOU MUST ALSO TELL THEM THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED FROM THIS AND THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT ANY ADDITIONAL REPERCUSSIONS FOR YOUR ACTIONS. HE TOLD ME THAT HE THOUGHT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO AND THAT HE WANTED ME TO FORGIVE HIM. I ASKED IF HE THOUGHT I WAS TOO HARD ON HIM OR IF I WAS BEING MEAN. HE SAID NO MOMMY THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO AND I'M SORRY. HE GAVE ME A HUG AND SMILED.
THIS INSTANCE OF DISCIPLINE WAS CONSIDERED ABUSE BY HIS DAD AND HIS DAD'S NEW WIFE (DAD LATINO, NEW WIFE WHITE). I CALLED HIS DAD TO TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED. I SAID OUR SON WAS CAUGHT STEALING AND THAT I CORRECTED HIM ON IT AND THAT I THINK YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR SON ABOUT STEALING. HIS DAD TALKED TO HIM BRIEFLY OVER THE PHONE AND I ASSUMED THAT WAS THE END OF IT. HIS DAD NEVER MENTIONED THE INCIDENT TO ME AGAIN. LATER THAT YEAR WHEN IT CAME TIME FOR SUMMER VISITATION WITH HIS DAD, WHILE HE WAS WITH HIS DAD,HIS DAD FILED A LAWSUIT AGAINST ME SEEKING CUSTODY AND ACCUSING ME OF CHILD ABUSE.
I CALLED HIS DAD TO ASK WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HIS DAD PUT HIS NEW WIFE ON THE PHONE. SHE SAID I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO MY SON'S FATHER AND THAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH HER FIRST. I TOLD HER I NEED TO TALK TO HIM REGARDING MY SON. SHE SAID I SHOULD CALL HER BACK. I CALLED BACK EVERY DAY UNTIL IT WAS TIME FOR MY SON TO BE RETURNED TO ME. EACH TIME I CALLED SHE HUNG UP IN MY FACE. WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR THEM TO RETURN MY SON THEY REFUSED. THEY KEPT HIM FOR ANOTHER MONTH AND HE WAS LATE STARTING SCHOOL. I WENT TO THE COURT TO ASK FOR THEM TO RETURN MY SON TO ME AND THE JUDGE SAID HE GRANTED EXTENDED VISITATION EVEN THOUGH SCHOOL WAS ALREADY STARTED. WHEN THEY FINALLY RETURNED MY SON TO ME. MY SON TOLD ME THEY HAD A LOT OF GROWNUPS ASK HIM QUESTIONS ABOUT ME. HE TOLD ME THEY ALSO VIDEO TAPED HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL HE SAID THE RIGHT ANSWERS. I ASKED MY SON WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT ME, HE SMILED AND SAID I LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE A GOOD MOMMY. I ASKED WHAT ELSE DID HE SAY. HE SAID THEY ASKED IF HE GOT SPANKINGS HE SMILED AND SAID ONLY IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG. I SAID DID THEY ASK YOU ANYTHING ELSE HE SAID HE COULDN'T REMEMBER THE REST.
THIS THING WENT TO COURT WHILE I WAS LIVING OUT OF STATE. MY SON'S DAD LIVED IN FLORIDA AND MY SON AND I HAD BEEN LIVING IN NEVADA FOR 3 AND A HALF YEARS (WITH PERMISSION FROM HIS DAD AND THE COURTS IN FLORIDA). I WAS NOT PROPERLY NOTIFIED OF THE COURT DATE FOR THE HEARING SO I LOST TO A DEFAULT MOTION. THEY SENT ME LETTERS SAYING THAT I WOULD BE CHARGED WITH KIDNAPPING IF I DID NOT TURN OVER MY SON. I HAD TO FLY BACK TO FLORIDA TO DEFEND MYSELF. BY THE TIME THEY GAVE US A HEARING DATE TO REMOVE THE DEFAULT JUDGMENT MY SON'S DAD HAD MOVED MY SON TO TEXAS. WHEN I GOT TO COURT IN FLORIDA I WAS COMPLETELY UNAWARE THAT THEY MOVED.
YET THIS WAS THE OCCASION IN WHICH THEY ACCUSED ME OF CHILD ABUSE. ALL OF HIS MEDICAL RECORDS SHOWED HE WAS HEALTHY. HE WAS AN EXCELLENT STUDENT WITH A VERY FUNNY VIBRANT OUT-GOING PERSONALITY. I WENT TO COURT TO CLEAR MY NAME AND HAVE CUSTODY RETURNED THE JUDGE SAID ALL OF MY SUPPORTING EVIDENCE WAS GREAT BUT THAT HE WOULD NOT OVERTURN THE RULING BECAUSE THEY MOVED MY SON TO TEXAS. I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO KNOW THE ADDRESS OR CITY SO THAT I COULD FLY TO TEXAS TO FIGHT FOR MY SON. THIS SYSTEM IS WICKED AND PURPOSELY SLIGHTED AGAINST BLACK PARENTS. I'VE SEEN MANY WHITE PARENTS TAP THEIR TODDLERS ON THE LEGS AND STILL BE CONSIDERED GOOD PARENTS YET IF A BLACK MOTHER TAPS HER SON ON THE PALM OF HIS HAND FOR STEALING SHE'S CONSIDERED ABUSIVE. HAVEN'T SEEN OR HEARD FROM MY SON IN 4 YEARS.
OKAY THIS THING TOTALLY RUINS FORMATTING AND SO IT SCREWED UP MY PARAGRAPHS LIKE THIS:TRUTH IS FAR TOO MANY BLACK >ARE>REMOVE<GIVINGLIED< ON ME AND ACCUSED ME OF CHILD ABUSE.
^UGH! ANYWAY READ THROUGH AND YOU'LL GET THE POINT.
IF WHITE TRULY HAD NOBLE INTENTIONS THEY WOULD HAVE EXAMINED WHY THESE MOTHERS HAVE PUT THEIR CHILDREN UP FOR ADOPTION OR WHY THE CHILDREN WERE TAKEN FROM THEIR NATURAL PARENTS AND LOOKED TO RESOLVE THE ISSUE. IF STYLE OF PARENTING THEN YOU WOULD HAVE PAID FOR PARENTING CLASS, IF LACK OF EDUCATION YOU COULD HAVE FUNDED THAT. IF IT WAS BECAUSE OF POVERTY YOU COULD HAVE HELPED THE FAMILIES FINANCIALLY. BUT NO! Y’ALL SAW AN OPPORTUNITY TO DESTROY A BLACK FAMILY AND JUMPED ON THE OPPORTUNITY. A RETRO FASHION TREND A NEW “PET” NEGRO, A NEW FONDLING BUDDY(MANY ADOPT BECAUSE THEY ARE CHILD MOLESTERS WHO HAVEN’T BEEN CAUGHT). THIS ISN’T NEW IT’S AS OLD AS TRANSATLANTIC SLAVERY. BLACKS HAVE BEEN TOYS AND JEWELS TO WHITES SINCE THEY STOLE OUR ANCESTORS. THEY HAVE A SERIOUS HABIT OF STEALING BROWN PEOPLE FOR THEIR OWN AMUSEMENT. THE MOST HIGH GONE PUT A STOP TO ALL OF THIS MESS SOON ENOUGH. TO TAKE A CHILD FROM THEIR PARENT IS TO CUT A CHILD OFF FROM THEIR HERITAGE CULTURE AND IDENTITY. MANY ADULTS WHO GREW UP IN A ADOPTIVE HOME HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE MISSED. THE HERITAGE AND CULTURE YOU RECEIVE FROM YOUR BIRTH PARENTS CAN’T BE ATTAINED FROM A BOOK OR MOVIE OR FRIENDS. THE RAPPORT AND THE MANNERISMS AND IDEOLOGIES, THE HISTORY, THE BELIEFS, THE NATURAL LANGUAGE AND ACCENT AND VOCAL TONES, THE NATURAL NURTURE, THE FAMILY HONOR, THE GENETIC LEGACY, THE NATURAL INTIMACY AND CONNECTION OF PARENT TO NATURAL CHILD CAN NOT BE MIMICKED BY WHITE THIEVES/PURCHASERS WHO TELL YOU THAT THEY ARE YOUR NEW PARENTS.
WHITES ADOPTING BLACKS IS A MICRO VIEW OF WHAT THEY DID WHEN THEY RIPPED APART FAMILIES BROUGHT OUR ANCESTORS HERE AGAINST THEIR WILL. THE FIRST THING THE DID WAS STEAL OUR IDENTITY. THEY FORCED US TO CHANGE OUR NAMES AND TAKE ON THEIR FAMILY LAST NAMES. THEY STOLE OUR LANGUAGE. THEY FORCED US TO LEARN TO SPEAK THE WAY THEY SPEAK. THEY STOLE OUR HERITAGE. NOW INSTEAD OF BEING THE UNIQUE AND ROYAL PEOPLE WE WERE CREATED TO BE AND ONCE WERE, WE ARE NOW FORCED TO BROWN LESSER VERSIONS OF THEM. THEY STOLE OUR BELIEF SYSTEM. INSTEAD OF BELIEVING IN THE CREATOR AS WE HAD KNOWN HIM FROM THOUSANDS OF GENERATIONS THEY FORCED CHRISTIANITY AND WHITE JESUS ON US. THEY MADE US WORSHIP THEIR FACE AND THEIR IMAGE ALL THE WHILE TELLING US OUR COLOR DIDN’T MATTER. THEY STOLE OUR CULTURE AND OUR LAWS AND FORCED US TO LEARN THEIR VERSION OF ETIQUETTE AND THEIR LAWS. THEY TOOK AWAY EVERY CONNECTION WE HAD TO OUR FORE PARENTS AND TAUGHT US TO WORSHIP THEIR FORE PARENTS THROUGH CIVICS, POLITICS AND AMERICAN AND EUROPEAN HISTORY CLASSES. IF YOU ARE A BLACK WHO HAS BEEN ADOPTED BY WHITES LOOK AGAIN AND KNOW WHAT HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM YOU! THERE ARE BLACKS WAITING TO ADOPT BUT AS I SAID BEFORE THIS SYSTEM PROMOTES REMOVING CHILDREN FROM BLACKS NOT GIVING CHILDREN TO BLACKS. YOUR WHITE SAVIORS ARE LIARS AND OPPRESSORS! YOU HAVE INHERITED LIES! THERE IS A WAY BACK HOME ALL IS NOT LOST. AHAYAH RESTORES ALL THINGS AND HE IS RESTORING US AS A PEOPLE. STOP LOOKING TO YOUR SO-CALLED WHITE PARENTS FOR TRUTH. GO SEEK YOUR CREATOR FOR THE TRUTH. IN TRUTH BY TAKING YOU INTO THEIR HOMES IS NO DIFFERENT THAN A HOUSE NEGRO IN CAPTIVITY WHO DOESN’T KNOW HE’S NOT FREE. FIND YOUR WAY BACK HOME AND BE FREE INDEED! IT IS TRUTH THAT MAKES US FREE!!! SO FACE THE TRUTH AND SEEK THE TRUTH!
Simply.
HOW many children have YOU adopted?
Until the answer is greater than one, you have no clue.
wow! I am an adoptive mom. I am not a child molester, I did not buy my daughter, she is not my pet, her birth mother did not want to parent (so no matter what financial or other resources I threw at her, it would not have mattered). I chose to adopt because of infertility. Her birth mother chose me because she saw in me the kind of mother she wanted for the child she carried. I use every resource I have to expose my daughter to her heritage and culture- media, friends, books, her birth family. I am offended by your comment. Instead of choosing to judge and ridicule transracial families, maybe your words could have action in helping us where we might fall short. Realizing that my only intention in adopting was to create a family and be a mother, not oppress or push white idealogy on anyone.
What is your problem im absolutely disgusted i happen to be a black adopted by an all white family and let me tell you they are not my so called parents they ARE my parents. i was not taken away by my black birth parents and would not go back and change my life at all. “I FIND IT VERY OFFENSIVE WHEN I SEE WHITE PEOPLE WITH OUR CHILDREN!,” I am not YOUR child just because my skin happens to be a darker shade. I was not forced to change my name im proud of the way i speak. My parents are not my savoir and all the other shit you say. They are MY PARENTS and i LOVE them to death and do not want to be part of any black family. My family is best family in the world and have given me all opportunities to learn about black roots and have taken me to countless “black” museums. im growing up in all white neighborhood going to most diverse school ever and im proud of all of it and you rant with not change a thing. Dont you dare call me a “PET” im not pet im a daughter not a dog or cat. I do not worship them im atheist by the way if Jesus did not want me in white family the why in Jesuss name am i then. I find you point of view on matter quite revolting and offense. Im sorry you are going through this court thing but you have no right of putting words like this in the mouths of the people like me out there.
There are enough white babies to adopt, why are there so many white people adopting our children? And why is it so hard for us to care for our own. Back in the day the white folks didn’t want us, now they’re scooping us up. Someone please explain.
Adopt a biracial child and you’ll probably endure fewer questions. I am biracial with a white mom. yes, people assume my parents must be black but when they see me with my white mom, no one asks if i am adopted (the only question i truly endured as a child was “are you mixed?”).
I don’t have a problem with interracial adoption per se, I just get irritated when people adopt black kids outside of the US. This is why I can’t stand Angelina and Madonna but totally think Sandra Bullock, Spielberg, Mariska Hargitay are awesome because they adopted black kids from within the US. I don’t hate African kids, I just put Americans first.
The problem with white people adopting black babies is it messes with the babies life. They grow up with white customs and values and in school will be drawn to white people more but they still wont fit in 100% with them. On the other hand they wont fit in 100% with the black people because their customs are different. This leaves them half in each group and not 100% accepted by either. And before you say racism or thats in the past how many black friends does the average white person have? Maybe 1 or 2 out of 15 + friends. Same with black people. They might have a couple of white friends but the majority is black. People feel most comfortable with those that are like them. Its human nature.
Thanks for the post.
I’m OFTEN questioned by random strangers about my children. But in our family, I’m the minority. My wife and children are black, I’m not. So when I’m out with them, the questions fly.
I look forward to reading more about how parenting choices differ when raising a child not of your race – ie: did you choose to live in a predominately black neighborhood, is your child the only black child at their school, etc.
The thing that bugs me most sometimes, is that I’m the “hair mom,” I am the one who does my daughter’s hair, but my lovely wife, simply by sharing the same skin tone, gets all of the credit… Shallow, I know, but still!
When I see people of the opinion that “you shouldn’t have adopted a black child” (I’m white), those opinions are 99% of the time coming from people who have never adopted nor would ever consider adopting a child. So, to me, their opinion is invalidated to me. If you are not going to be a part of the solution, then you have no right to complain to me.
I’m providing a loving, stable home to my black son and asian daughter in a 2-parent home in a metropolitan area. Our neighborhood is diverse, our friends and co-workers are diverse, and our schools are excellent. My daughter has friends who are asian-adoptees and we spend time with families that are all asian. My son has friends who are trans-racial adoptees and we spent time with families that are all black. Our church is diverse, too.
From those in the black community who are bashing whites for adopting children and saying that we can not provide them with diversity, self-esteem, prepare them for life as an adult black person: do you provide your children with diversity? Do you let the schools provide it for you? Is your church diverse? Are the people you have over in your home (kids friends, your friends for dinner, etc.) are they are diverse group of people or all black?
As far as self-esteem, our children see people who look like them, families that look like ours, and we have a village of people to go to for help. My eyes are constantly being opened to how extensive white privilege is. When my son grows up, will he be able to go to the store without being watched to see if he’s stealing anything? Will my daughter be seen as some sort of sex goddess (the prevalent stereotype of pretty asian girls)? We will prepare them for their future and have friends coming alone side us to offer support who have walked their path.
My children are exposes purposefully to more diversity than most families, I imagine.
What concerns me is that when my black son grows up, will he be faced with the black community at large calling him “oreo” and not accepting him. If that is the case, the problem does not lie with my son or my parenting, it lies with the black community not accepting of “it’s own”.
I agree with a previous poster….if you are concerned about whites adopting black children and are serious concerned about the welfare of these children (and you are not in a place to be able to adopt), then do what you can to offer your assistance. We have a local hair salon that offers classes to new moms and adoptive moms on caring for their children’s hair. How awesome is that?
Part of the solution and not just complaining.
Hi, all! I’m Rachel, the article’s author. I appreciate the feedback, whether I agree with it or not.
I agree with much of what @MaMaNina is saying. I think it’s important for ANY person, regardless of race, to be open to diversity and incorporating it into his/her life and a family’s life. I also think diversity goes beyond race. Our kids should be around people who are different than them in other ways—disability, for instance. I wrote another article for this website on ways parents can prepare for transracial adoption—-and I think that’s very important if one is going to adopt transracially—to enter into the process EYES WIDE OPEN—prepared and educated.
I can tell you that there are not enough families willing to adopt black kids—whether it be a perfectly healthy black newborn or a black sibling group of six from foster care. Look at any “waiting child” website. Ask adoption agencies. I know of several situations where a black birth mother had just one or two profiles to choose from (profiles being pictures of prospective adoptive parents) because most adoptive parents only want the perfect, healthy, white newborn. Some agencies charge less money for adoptions of black kids as a way to motivate people to accept black kids. It’s a complicated and sad situation.
Some of you might think too many white parents are adopting black kids, but the truth is that not enough parents—be it black, white, or another race—are not adopting minority kids.
If you want to make a difference, instead of ranting about the “bad white parents,” adopt black kids from foster care. Did you know there are over 125,000 kids FREE FOR ADOPTION in THIS country, right now? Many of these kids are black and Hispanic. Many of these kids will age out of the system and become homeless, pregnant, drop-outs, prisoners, and on state aid.
So before you say “shame on whites for adopting blacks,” consider that if many whites didn’t step up and adopt black kids, these kids would grow into adults facing some very big issues…that could have been avoided!
I’m all for anyone adopting, if they can provide what the child needs. If you are black and are concerned about the welfare of black kids in this country, then adopt.
I truly believe the most important thing is to meet the child’s immediate needs—stable, loving home. Period. A child doesn’t care about racial politics or racial history when he/she has been in foster care, along with his or her siblings, for six years. A child doesn’t care, as a newborn, about the skin color of the mom or dad. ADOPTION IS ABOUT THE CHILD, NOT THE ADULT(S).
Again, I fully believe in adopting only after you have educated yourself and have committed to continuing to educate yourself. Transracial adoption shouldn’t be taken lightly. But I also think adoptive parents (of any race), shouldn’t allow the public’s opinion to stop them from adopting children who are in need of a stable, loving home. I didn’t yield to anyone’s “don’t do it,” and I’m thankful I didn’t. My girls are my precious daughters whom I love and adore. I am blessed to be called their mom.
great article. As mom to a rainbow family (one white, one hispanic, one biracial, one black) I am in absolute agreement with you and feel the same way, the bottom line is I wanted to be a mom and wanted the children God had designed for us!
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